I am sitting in the faculty lunch room next to a student
teacher from URI. We have been introducing one another and talking about our
backgrounds- you know, the small talk. He is quiet but easy to talk to and a comrade
in this experience, as he too has a split placement and will be leaving NK
after a mere seven weeks. He then goes on to pull out a master binder… it is
filled with his unit… already completed and filled with print outs of handouts,
I see, as he flips through the stack of pages.
I breathe in. I breathe out. I instantly
think I may pass out. I briefly wonder how hard the floor is and if I will I get
a concussion. You see, I have 2 lesson plans completed… sort of, the first I spent
hours on. And I am not exaggerating. It took my hours to plan it, then to shift
it, then to re-shift it. I tell my CT that I realize it should not have taken me
this long, but in this place of analyzing and re-analyzing my every move, of
asking myself, why am I doing this? Is this necessary? What am I trying to get
out of this, for me, for my students? Well, it is necessary.
Ok so moving on, I don’t pass out. I have a mini anxiety
attack, and then re-think my situation. And after walking myself through and
talking myself off the cliff I calm down. I am not one to be a step ahead of
the game- though I try; I work best week to week. And this is good for me, I have
sketched out a brief outline of the big picture and so am confident in
understanding where I’m heading, and the details are in the works.
From here I move on to a tiny revelation:
We all will have different experiences throughout student
teaching, each of us coming to terms with, and discovering the ways in which we
best perform. And while the road will be different for each of us, we all will
end up in the same place, each one of us walking across the stage this May. And
so to all of my comrades out there I say this, In the words of Dr. J. and Dr. C: each of us is an intelligent,
capable human being; who love our subjects, who love kids. We wouldn’t have made
it this far if we weren’t. We got this.
Faith, after my anxiety-ridden day, it made me smile knowing I'm not alone in this feeling of constantly being so far behind where I want to be. It wasn't lack of effort or lack of investment. We are learning- that's the first part of our hyphenated title. We are learning on living people in non-perfect scenarios. We might not get to something until next class. Your new binder friend may need to change his strategically and methodologically planned out lessons if they don't work with the class. We are learning the ebb and flow of teaching, the rhythm that can't be taught, just learned.
ReplyDeleteI think you're on to something.
Faith, though having every lesson plan with every strategy and every graphic organizer printed and copied might relieve some anxiety, I'm not so sure that it's the best approach either. I think if you become too married to your plan, it might be easy to become complacent. The sense of "having everything done" might make it more difficult to adjust your plans and respond to the needs of your students. I too wanted to have more planned by the time I started, but I had a hard time imagining myself teaching lessons to students I hadn't yet met. This semester is a trial run and in the next few weeks we'll be realizing what works best for us, but until then don't be intimidated by Mr. Big Binder...
ReplyDeleteFaith, I feel the exact same way at my school. There is another student teacher in the 12th grade department working on her masters. When she wanted to get together to "plan" I thought I was going to die! She had her unit completely done, printed, revised, and printed again. I didn't even have one lesson plan to show her. I had a mind full of ideas that needed major adjusting. I was nervous and thought "Why am I here, I suck!" IT took me all weekend to realize I might not have my unit complete but Rome wasn't built in a day. I like taking my time and making sure there is little to no room for issues in my plan. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in my boat of insecurities. We are small fish in a big pond. The big pond won't seem as big in a week. :)
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